Galatians 6:9-10 tells that we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  that is good advice for those of us who have chosen to fight the sexual addiction battle.  It easy to want to back away from our management plan once things become stable.  There is a real danger in doing this.  It is the praying ,reading, group, and accountability that are helping you to stay sober.  Once you choose to stop doing these things you choose to rely on your own strength.  This leaves you where you were before.  Eventually you will go right back to acting out sexually.  You may already be there. Don't give up. Ask God to forgive you , and get back in the program.

It has been almost a month since my last blog.  I will be more diligent in the future.  Today we are going to discuss intimacy.  Intimacy as it relates to our relationship with God ,and our spouse.  The two go together. We cannot have a close personal relationship with our spouse without being intimate with God.  Many of us struggle with this part of our lives. We go to church.  We read christian books.  We may even go to a small group.  Yet we must admit that we are not close to God.   The reason for this may be that we haven't been pursuing God.  He tells us that we need to seek after Him with all our heart. That means spending time with Him. Just you and Him.  With no distractions.  Open your Bible  and read it like you would the newspaper.  Spending several minutes each day  letting His words sink into your mind.   Then pray for several minutes at a time. Allow your spirit to settle in His presence. Don't be in a hurry. Just relax before Him.  After you have talked be still, and allow Him to speak to you. 

Yesterday, I was talking to someone whose life had been significantly impacted by her husband's sexual addiction.  In the course of our conversation, she wanted to know how many people in the church are sexually addicted?  My response was that it could be as high as fifty percent.  She responded by saying that she would have thought that the figures would have been higher.  She went on to tell me that all of her friends and family have been negatively impacted by sexual sin. This statement if from someone whose has spent their whole life "in the church".

In my work with men I have discovered that many guys have used sex to medicate their angry feelings. I believe that this type of self medication has started early on in their lives. It has continued into adulthood. 

Last week I was looking at some statistics on teens and internet pornography. Let me share with you some of the things that caught my attention. The average age of first exposure to pornography is 10, 12-17 year old males are largest consumer group of internet pornography, and 90 percent of 8 to 16 year old boys have viewed pornography online. This is quite disturbing when we realize the impact the internet is having on the lives of our children. This doesn't even take into account the amount of sexual content they are exposed to through television and movies or walking through the local mall. The average adolescent will view close to 14,000 sexual references on television this year.
Our sexually saturated culture is having a devastating impact on our young people. It is no secret that they are becoming sexually active earlier than the previous generation. This is having another long term implication:  we are are seeing a greater number of young people who already sexually addicted. This will also impact future martial relationships; we will see even more  infidelity, promiscuity, STD's, teen pregnancies and other forms of sexual acting out and the related consequences.  Many teens are looking at same gender pornography which is causing a lot of gender confusion.
As parents we have a huge responsibility when it comes to helping our kids navigate through all of this perversion. We do have to take an active role in all of this. So where do we begin? We need to start with our own example. I can't tell my kids that something is wrong or unacceptable if I am doing it myself. 
Next, form an accountability relationship with your kids. Dad, you meet with your son and mom, you meet with your daughter. Ask them the tough questions about pornography and masturbation. If they are dating, help them to set up healthy boundaries. Pray with them and for them about staying pure. Buy them books on purity and meet with them at least once a month.
Then make your home a porn free zone. If your have movie channels cancel the subscription. Don't allow them to have internet on their phones. Block out content on the television. Be aware of what they are watching. No internet or television when you are not home, you can lock the internet out or get a filtering system. These electronic devices are a luxury not a right. Provide alternatives encouraging them to use their time more wisely, instead of electronically.
We need to help them fight this battle. Don't act like it doesn't exist . Satan is fighting hard for the hearts and souls of the next generation. Pray for them. Teach them how to hide God's Word in their hearts so they can be better equipped to fight the battle. Remember I am here to help in anyway I can.
God Bless You
Tom

The more I meet with woman who have been wounded by their husband's sexual addiction the more I am convinced that the road to recovery is often more difficult for her than it is for him. Once his secret is discovered, or he decides to come clean he is often relieved that he doesn't have to continue living a lie. The wife on the other hand is left to deal with a lot of  confusion,hurt,anger,guilt, and trust issues.
It maybe that she has for years either unwillingly or at times willingly  participated in his perverse sexual behavior. As a result she may have deep seated feelings of guilt and resentment. Often a wife will say " I can't believe I let him convince me to do that stuff." She often has a hard time forgiving herself for what she has done. There also those situations  where a wife has been well aware of her husbands addiction. She has known about his addiction to pornography , and his affair. She is also well aware of how he looks other women when they were out in public .She  may have even confronted him about getting help in the past but he convcinced her she is the problem.
There are times when I will be working with with a couple where the wife is completely unaware of her husbands addiction . Her whole world is shattered by this recent discovery.She is confused about who he really is verses who she thought he was. She fears that others will discover their secret . She doesn't know who to talk to. He is willing to get help so he wants tell the pastor. She doesn't know whether to leave or stay? Then she thinks that perhaps he needs to go. It is truly mess. She wonders if she will ever heal.
For every woman who has or is walking through this difficult journey I want to say that my prayers go out to you as you try to with God's help put your life back together. My commitment  is to help you heal. In January we are starting a partners group at Sunrise for  wounded wives to experience support and God's mercy. If I can help you in any way please call me.


Tom

The other day I watched a DVD which someone had given me to watch entitled " Somebody's Daughter". It is basically different people sharing their struggle with sexual sin. They share the pain of their spouse finding out about their involvement in pornography. One guys wife shared how shocked she was when her husband told  her about his addiction.

It is no secret that wives are deeply wounded by their husbands sexual addiction. At sunrise we understand this. That is why we are committed to helping each spouse and , the the marriage relationship find healing through Christ. To help wives we are beginning a Partner's Group in January.Through the group process ladies will realize that they are not alone in their struggle to make sense out their husband's addiction. They will also find a safe place  to share their hurt and pain. The ultimate goal is to find hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please call our office for more information. Ladies my prayers go out to you.


Tom

Have you ever made a sexual advance toward your wife only to have her reject you? I don't know a man who hasn't experienced this. There a number of reasons why this might happen. She may be tired. It could that she isn't feeling well. Perhaps she is feels that you only want her for sex.It may be that she didn't understand that you wanted to be sexual because you didn't communicate it to her. Maybe she has shut down due to your being angry towards her.
As a Christian man how do react in these times. Do you get angry and storm out of the room? Do you shut down and not talk to her? Many times we will use the rejection as an opportunity to act out sexually. More often this will involve using masturbation or pornography.We can't rationalize our sin. You are still responsible for your actions. You are under God's authority not your own.
The next time you feel rejected by your wife hang in there and work through it with her.Don't use it as an excuse to sin. Tell yourself you are not going to masturbate or look at pornography. Ask God to give you strength to withstand the desire to sin. For many of us this will be a significant key to winning the battle with sexual sin. It is called taking personal responsibility. 

It is not unusual for me to get a call from a woman telling me she believes that her husband is a sex addict. This disclosure often follows a story to support her claim. There may have been numerous discoveries of  her husband having viewed pornography. Perhaps she has been n ask to do sexual things by him that make her uncomfortable. He may have had an affair or two. There be signs that he has masturbated quite often over the years. He may make degrading sexual comments to her.